Just In Time

So timing.

It's seems like something that makes or breaks a lot of different situations.

I have old friends of mine who keep or ditch plans depending on the time of day you get to them, or ask them or whatever. It's flighty, but funny. And thinking about all those different movies, action, comedic, romantic, a lot of the mistakes the main characters make depends on timing.

And I'm kind of freaked that that means I might not time things out just right. I'm kind of awkward.

But then again, I doubt that life depends on such a trivial thing. If it's right, then it should happen, right?

Anyway, U2's "Stuck in a Moment" kind of makes me wonder about this concept, although loosely connected.

It's just a moment. This time will pass.

What's your favorite scary movie?

So this blog is supposed to be about me living life more fully and blah blah blah, whatever whatever whatever. And I've been thinking a lot about these things that scare me.

I'm definitely afraid of losing people. I know this about myself, and my tendency to hold on too tightly. I sometimes feel like my time with people is limited, because at some point something will make me not as necessary in their life.

I'm kind of afraid of driving on ice. Snow doesn't scare me but black ice is scary as crap.

I'm scared of dishonesty, with myself and with or from others. It makes me so uneasy once I've found out someone's lied to me, or that someone doesn't feel they can trust me as much.  This is probably, or most definitely, not something that is unique to me, but still it's a big fear. I'd much rather hear something I don't want to if it's honest, than hear something I did that was a lie.

I'm scared of failure, specifically in college. I'm also scared I'll fail to ever write a song again. I haven't in probably about a half a year now, and it's really worrying me.

But, probably most of all, I'm afraid I won't live up to my potential. And I know that's probably only something I can control but that's what scares me even more. That I've got all these opportunities and I'll just waste them. And I'll miss out on a lot more because I get in my own way, and I'll lose out on great relationships with people I should've been closest to.

I really hope that that fear never comes true, and I just get better at this whole "being who I am thing". O feel like I could get there, sometime soon, if I could get over all those other fears, too.

Except for driving on ice. That might just be something you have to afraid of for your own sake.

Need a little Christmas, right this very minute

So throughout this whole finals thing I think I've been holding up pretty well. Like, although I was completely confined to my day room, studying from whenever I got up until probably about 4 in the morning when I might actually head to bed, I feel kind of good about it. I feel like I've done pretty well on my last three finals, maybe even A worthy, but then...

Tonight happened. (Cue dramatic music)

Haha no, just kidding. I think the combination of not being around people and leaving myself with too much time to think and all of that kind of crap just has absolutely gotten me down. And I now have the fantastic task of studying for my ACS final and not only do I not actually think I can learn anything, I definitely don't think I could learn it in maybe the 8 hours of consciousness I actually have before I have to take this thing.

This daunting task along with being isolated and wishing I could fix things for people I love that I will probably never be able to fix has kind of left me unmotivated, a little sad and quite possibly annoyed with myself, and definitely uncool.

But oh well, I'll get over it. And Christmas is soon and I have NOT DONE ANY SHOPPING. Oh boy. My brooding music tonight is Kings of Leon, specifically "The Runner", which may be a little teeny boppy but I don't give a flying fantasies fruit tree. Favorite line from this song is, "I talk to Jesus, Jesus says I'm ok."

20 Dang Questions

Because my mind is fried on religion and I can't think of anything cool to write about but would much rather post a blog than do more studying... Here this is. Sorry for the lack of creativity/originality/awesomeness.



1. How often do you go over the speed limit?
Erry chance I get cuz I'm a baller... and have a led foot just like my mom... and grandma.. she used to race cars... my grandma I mean... don't ask questions..

2. Do you dance like crazy when no one is looking?
I dance crazy when people ARE looking... why would not looking make it any different?

3. If you were going to be stuck on a desert island, which book, which movie, and which CD would you take with you?
Aw shoot. Book? Probably my religion textbook. So I could burn it. Movie? Probs Marley and Me. Don't ask why. Cd? Probably John Legend. Get Lifted would just be really funny to listen to.

4. What did you get in trouble for when you were a kid?
Same thing I do now. Avoiding house chores at ALL costs.

5. What really gives you the creeps?
There's an X-files episode of this dude from India who has no legs and squeaks around on this rolly thing and then jumps into people's bodies... That dude.

6. What was your favorite toy when you were a kid?
Simba :( I lost him when I was like 3 in a daycare and he was never returned.
Oh, I just can't WAIT to be KIIIIIIINNNG!!!

7. You run into a friend while shopping. Where are you?
Wal-mart because we already went to Target and couldn't find what we were looking for :(

8. When you fall asleep, are you usually on your side, your stomach, or your back?
I think my stomach or side but I can't be sure.

9. If fat or calorie intake wasn't an issue, what one food would you eat the most?
Probably pasta. I loves me some pasta.

10. If you could hire one of the following, which one would it be? Driver, chef, maid, or stylist?
Stylist... I mean, have you seen me? I have no idea how to be styling in any way.

11. What movie have you watched the most?
Um. Probably Toy Story, my nephew loves it, and I do too.

12. What kind of perfume do you wear?
Lovespell. cuz I'm a girl I guess.

13. What was your favorite sitcom growing up?
BOY MEETS WOOORLD

14. What were you doing the last time you had a really good laugh?
With my cousins :) we are just weird.

15. What was the very first concert you ever attended?
Pretty sure it was the Christmas Trans-Syberian Orchestra concert. If that doesn't count, Police's re-union concert with my mom. haha.

16. Who is the fourth person on your missed call list? Ahahaha Brittani Piepho, she had already called me three times before... counts?

17. How long does it take you to get ready in the mornings? Depends on how late I got up for class. I don't even have to do anything if I wake up a minute before I'm supposed to be there.

18. When is the last time you went to the mall and what did you buy?
Um, I think a gift for my grandmother and probably before summer was even beginning.

19. Ever go to camp?
YEP. I do. I like to be a camp counselor.

20. Do you collect anything?
Yep. Dust.

And now back to religion.

Technologicified

I always pride myself on being a kind of chill person. Not much upsets me, although the down side to that is not often do I know how to show my excitement. But the nice thing about this is that I can go without or I can have as much or as little as necessary.

Or so I thought.

It's only been a half day (not even) of being completely cut off from social-networking sites of any kind and already I'm getting a little frustrated about it.

I blocked sites from my computer for finals, and took off the possibility of apps and the internet from my phone, having someone else set the restrictions pass code so I wouldn't be able to disable the restrictions (both of these would not have been possible without a couple of good friends, so thank you to them :) ). I never thought it would be necessary for me to do that, or that it would bother me so much BUT IT DOES.

Honestly this is making me consider leaving my phone and computer for like a month because dang. This is sick.

I love making myself available to people, whether they use me or not I like for them to know the option's always there. You could never text/call/facebook/email/heytell/regular mail me too much. But I think that it's me who's started to depend on it too much and that is just gross.

So basically. I'm just like every other desensitized and technologicified kid out there. And this fact just bothers me too much.

Will I keep this up after finals? Meh. We'll see. For now, I just have to focus all this frustration and energy into studying.

As much as I love winter..

And I do. I love the snow, I love the dark and the cold and all of that awesome stuff.

But.

There is one place I would go in a heartbeat to live, and never see snow again and be just fine with it. This place is the magical North Shore, Oahu.

When I was in the 6th grade my family went on vacation to Hawaii. We visited only 2 islands, the big one and Oahu. We spent about two days in Oahu and a whole day swimming and surfing on the North Shore.

Best. Vacation. Ever.

No the waves weren't this big but THIS IS SO LEGIT. Beautiful

I sucked at surfing, could barely stand up and might or might not have flashed my very good looking surfing instructor on accident... Anyway. I still loved it. The rest of the day in the ocean was fantastic and we didn't even go at peak surfing season. That was the week I decided I would be perfectly content living in a shack on the beach for the rest of my life... even without snow.

Anyway, thats what I'm thinking about after my two hour study session of religion, my diving into Development Psych for a good 'nother 2 hours, and after waking up 4 hours later than I ever planned to.

Life's Dream? Imma be a beach bum.

I am not studying for finals. Just being honest

I am definitely not studying for finals right now. I'm also not attending the stupendous semester shut down. I am just being lazy.

So why not write about my laziness here?

I was thinking about it, and in my short time of being an actual college student there are some things that I've actually learned. 

1. Don't put plastic in a microwave.

This might seem obvious, however, when you have a cup that is quite hard and quite clear you might not exactly recognize that it's plastic or that it's plastic that would melt and it might've been possible that I might've made this mistake.

2. Go around a girls dorm and you can find any silverware, any plates, and probably any snack food you can think of.

You might say that the only way I found this out was because I was a mooch. And you might be right. 

3. Organization is key.

If you don't keep your parties straight, you can't hit them all in one weekend. Ahaha just kidding. I definitely could've used some organizational skills for schoolwork this semester.

4. Study breaks will be the death of you.

Very rarely have I heard someone around here say, "I'm just gonna take a 5 minute study break," and actually mean it. Don't get me wrong, get up walk around, but don't be disappointed when it's an hour later and you're just getting back to work.

5. When there are 3 boys sitting outside your day room with goggles on, it almost guarantees trouble.

Random specific rule? I just got nerfed. In the face. Legitly, right now as I was writing this. 

There are plenty of other serious lessons I've learned here but I kind of like this list so far. And of course there's the whole taking college courses thing, and learning that stuff.

Hopefully, I get to keep learning stuff here, for a whole 'nother semester. 

Hella funny

There is something really strange about Augie. Seriously.

All of these events are completely coincidental but I honestly believe it's all leading up to the point where I figure out there is MAGIC around here.
In case you didn't do it before, go back and read that and when you come to the word magic say it really loud and silly like in your head. Like. MAAAGIC.

Ok, sorry. Anyway, there have been 3 count them THREE (see how I switched that up there?) different occasions where magic has happened. Two of them are kind of the same, but we'll count them anyway.

1. I had had a particularly frustrating night. Actually didn't sleep and when I got up to go to class there were all kinds of chalk writings on the sidewalk with great phrases to read as you walk by like "hey you're cool" (just kidding this wasn't one of them, but you catch my drift). Kind of made my day, or you know it did make my day, you can make whatever conclusion you'd like.

2. Legitimately, a repeat of the above. Crazy coincidence and it might be possible that my school does too many chalk writings and that possibly I should suck it up once in a while but either way, I'm chalk that one up to (no pun intended) MAGIC.

3. This last event is the reason I'm writing this post. Since my last post was all about love and crap like that, it was quite amazing that one of the main points we went over today in my religion class was the 1 Corinthians passage about love. You know, "Love is patient, love is blind..." blah blah blah. Haha just kidding. I actually really like this passage. It kind of sums up how I view love.

And more importantly, Paul's letter about love is not so much concerning romantic love, but love in general as a powerful and changing force. And I was thinking about how I said in the last post how I can't wait for true love to come change me but then I thought about the friendships and family relationships I've had and really, that love has changed me too, definitely for the better.

I'm really fortunate for that. To have experienced it, and to have people who were willing and still are willing to love me even when I won't accept it for myself.
AND I'm lucky I go to a magical school.
BOOM. MAGICAL LOVE SCHOOL FORCE OF AWESOMENESS.

I've been watching too many Jenna Marbles...

Love, love, love

Luckily, no one probably reads this thing, other than Sanna. And, if she does read this post, I'll probably be embarrassed but I'll get over it.

The thing is, I'm quite the romantic. And to be quite honest, I really hope I find the man I fall in love with in December. Snow and Christmas and everyone wrapped up in their puffy winter jackets makes me feel just like love really is in the air.

I hope that the guy I meet is musical. That he'll sing to me, and play some type of instrument. Not because he thinks he'll make money off of it, or want it to be his only life's path but because he enjoys it and knows that I would too. I also hope he's tall. And that he is very kind hearted, and has a heart big enough to find good in everyone around him.
I hope he's driven, and has high standards for himself and me, but is ok with failing, as long as you're willing to get back up. I hope that he loves God more than I do, I could probably use a guy like that.
I hope he's interesting enough to hold a conversation but not so self-absorbed that he feels he has to be the conversation. I hope he's funny.
Most of all, I hope he's weird enough to put up with how weird I am..
I will be superficial enough to say I hope he has blue eyes and shaggy brown hair. And that he knows how to dress himself (even though I don't really know how to dress myself..).
I hope he realizes that our relationship won't be our life but our life will grow while we are in our relationship.
And I hope he's good with kids, even though I'm not.
Also, he has got to be ok with spontaneity because that's basically who I am.
And I hope he doesn't mind when I do ridiculous, unnecessary acts of love. I feel like I'll probably be that girl.

Anyway, this list is probably looking a little long, maybe even daunting, but as much as I'd love for this to be the guy I meet, I realize the complete possibility that I might just fall in love with someone I never expected to. I definitely believe that love is probably the only thing in this world that can change someone for the good and who knows what it might do to me, or anyone for that matter. True love is right, and is always surprising, I believe anyway. And that it comes at a time you never thought it would, in a person you never thought it may be and it ends up filling up a lot of the places you never knew were empty.

I'm kind of excited for that, and definitely ok with waiting every second out until the day it happens.

But, then again, maybe I just have too high of expectations. Oh, well. Sh*t happens.

In the meantime, greatest love song of all time? Book of Love by Peter Gabriel. Aw yeah.

Let's get real

It is 5:17 A.M.

I've finished one paper, and 4 chapters of chemistry. I still have a quiz to study for, and 3 more chapters of chemistry to study.

And I'm really happy to be where I'm at.

No sarcasm, I am extremely tired and can't wait to not be so stressed but there really are some great people here at Augie.

Also, Christmas light are GORGEOUS.

:)

I know where my humor comes from

So Sunday, finally the end of my Vespers weekend, had to get Chemistry done but I also had to go visit my grandparents.

I said had, because I had to do an interview for Psychology on how they've adjusted to old age but really my grandparents house and my grandparents are my favorite people in the world.

They live in a town with about 100 people, and they reside in an old school house. Not one of those "Little House on the Prairie" schoolhouses, but a legitimate concrete building complete with an east and west gym (that my grandpa now uses to keep all the things he tinkers around with in), old classrooms converted to bedrooms and old locker rooms.

You could say my childhood time spent at that place was the sh*t. And you'd be right.

My grandfather is a man of few words. In casual conversation, he will not be the guy talking your ear off. He might not even be the guy you notice is actually actively engaged unless someone directly asks him a question. I think this only means that when he does speak, he means what he says and says what he means. Some of my favorites of his are:

"When sliding down the banister of life, you better hope all the splinters are pointing the right direction."

"You can dig yourself a hole, or you can keep on trying to run along top of the ground."

(after my brothers, the cousins and myself had walked in from the backyard where my brother had tried to jump over the car, failed, and put his hand through the windshield)... "You kids have been watching too  many movies."

My grandma and grandpa's relationship dynamics are definitely the reason our family loves the way it does. These two love nothing better (especially my grandpa) than to give each other a hard time. For example? One day, we were eating ice cream in my grandparents living room (common practice in this household... it's like my grandmother has unlimited supply). There was also a fresh bowl of fruit out, and Cheetos puffs. My grandmother, as she loves to do, was telling us what was available and encouraging us to eat our fill. "You could even put some of the fruit in your ice cream, it will taste great!" My cousin jokingly says to her something about throwing some Cheetos on top and she laughs saying "Well that would just be silly!"
At that moment, it's like a switch went off in my grandfather's head. He looks up at her, with his ice cream bowl sitting in front of him, gives a little smirk, grabs a handful of Cheetos and tosses them straight onto his vanilla ice cream. My grandmother gasps "Dick what're you doing?!", but he has already scooped up a big helping of Cheeto flecked vanilla ice cream and, with a triumphant and somewhat defiant look, was going back for more. Pretty soon, the whole family did as such, with my grandmother shaking her head the whole time, but laughing.

When I interviewed them that night, they were talking about how socially, they don't appreciate participating in activities that happen at night anymore. My grandmother especially does not like it because of the fact that driving at night bothers her.

"Well, I can do it, it don't bother me none to go out for a drive in the dark." -GP

"Yes, Dick, well I mean, you can do it but I don't like it. You shouldn't!"-GM

*smile on his face, honest to God twinkle in his eye* "Well, that's my privilege now ain't it?"-GP

"Well, I suppose so!" *followed by a little bit of laughter*

I also guess I understand where it is I get the resistance to authority character trait, too.

Anyway, my point is, I love my grandparents. I talked about anything and everything with them that night and was reminded what valuable people I'm related to. My aunt even came over and truly provided me with a sense of unconditional love and understanding. I'm so lucky to have them around, and look up to them so much. There's no one like family.

Sometimes, it's a little easier to believe.

So, to be honest, I'm a coward.

I used to have my heart set on being a musician, or having something to do with music in my career. And then, what I thought was the real world hit, and everyone told me how "music majors" was really just another label for "future waitresses".

Not that my whole life is about money, but I didn't want to pay off 4 years of school on that.

Then, this weekend, we had our Vespers concert here at Augie and truthfully?

I freaking love music. Especially choral music. It makes me so happy, that if I cried, it would make me cry. I complained about choir, I get pissed when I can't write a gosh darn song, but there is nothing in this world that honestly could be less work for me than going in every day and singing or playing or instructing an amazing piece of music.

Anyway, point is, that along with psychology I think I have to change my major music, and I need to be in a music class at least once a semester. I think it might have a shot at making me pretty happy with where I'm going.

Don't get me wrong, I still love psychology, I love figuring out what makes people happy, what makes them tick, how to help them. In fact, that's another reason I kind of gave up on music. I thought it was self indulgent, and unnecessary, and it didn't provide any service to someone like psychology at least tries to do. 

The more and more I listened this weekend though, the more I realized that this service music provides is like meaning to life. And, geez, I sound super dramatic but it makes it easier to believe in God, even. You have to believe there is something greater out there designing these beautiful things, sights to see and more importantly absolutely gorgeous, eyes-welling up, amazing things to hear.  He even gave us voices to create them. What can explain the use for this other than a God who loves us so much that He wanted to give us all these things to praise Him and to remember that there is something so much more and so much bigger than us out there?

Anyway, I think that anything that makes life just a little more worth living, is something you should probably pursue. 

So hopefully I get the balls to pursue music, every day, for the rest of my life.