Therapy.

As I said in my last post, I've gotten on this YouTube kick. I really like TedTalks, but they spend so much of my time. They're about 20 minute talks on any interesting subject by an outstanding person in whatever field. (you might say, I'm deliberately trying to be as vague as possible)

Anyway, one of my favorites is the talk given by spoken word poet Sarah Kay. She delivers two poems she wrote, one at the beginning of the talk and one at the end and speaks about the benefits of poetry. One of the greatest parts is when she talks about how she writes and sometimes she writes it turns out to be about a problem she didn't even realize she had and by the end of the poem she realizes a solution she would never have encountered.

Until last night, I didn't really realize how this applied to me.

While I've been at Augie, I really haven't written a song. In my 2 years here, I've written about two songs. Usually, I write a song, or at least learn a new song every month. It didn't really worry me until I realized how much time had passed, and how much I am replaying old material.

But tonight, I realized what may be the problem. I often would write and never really show anyone my songs. It wasn't until late in my high school career that I ever dared to show them, or play them in front of a crowd. Now, whenever I'm trying to come up with a new chord progression or lyrics, I automatically think of how it may be received. Songwriting, essentially, has no longer been something I do for me, but something I try to do to please others.

Which is fine, if it works for you, but it hasn't for me.

Songs used to be the way I communicated how I really felt, without having to explain every detail. It used to be a way that I worked through problems I never even really recognized before and found new solutions I otherwise never would have encountered. And maybe the reason I haven't been able to write is because I've lost this sense. I can't write about what pleases others or what's more relatable to other people because I'm not them, and frankly I have no motivation to do that.

So, hopefully, with this realization I'll remember how to write again. Or at least, pop out one more song before I leave Augie.