My Mind is Hard-wired

There has been a song on my mind for the past couple of weeks and I cannot get it out of my head. It's, again, by the band This Is Me Smiling and it's the same song that gave me the idea for the title of this crazy blog-type-thing. It's called "Up In All Directions", and the line that is ever-reverberating in my brain goes:

"I'm going in to find you, inside the mind you
Convinced yourself you've beaten for good
Trouble-shot your conscience
Rekeyed your instincts
Your memory holds on, thinks that it should"

I think a lot of this song is a challenge. As if the author is confidently demanding the chance to, in essence, completely eradicate an old way of thought for whoever "you" is, be it a significant other or friend or whoever. And it's like a mission, he's "going in", I mean it's dangerous to challenge the settings someone has always been comfortable with. People get defensive, offended and especially if it's a mindset that allows them to be a highly functioning person, often they see no need to re-wire any part of their lives, even if it is the most unhealthy thing they could possibly do to themselves.

Which is where I kind of find myself at. Don't get me wrong, I'm not crying uncontrollably, holding myself in a fetal position in the middle of the night but there are definitely some parts of my life, my way of thinking that certainly should be inspected.

And I'm scared of that.

There's a way of life I've come to know that's comfortable, that fits, and is truly the only way I've ever known. When other people try to change it, challenge it, I automatically toss it aside in an effort to be as stubborn as possible only hoping that maybe someone will see through that stubbornness and keep poking, prodding, and encouraging me to, well, be happier. And when they don't follow through (of course in the way I have to expect them to) then it's all the more validation for the reason I am the way I am.

Basically, I dig myself a hole and I am super great at keeping myself inside of it, even better at digging deeper. And because I know this I try to discourage anyone from finding me in it, even more so from trying to help me out.

I suppose these lyrics kind of remind me that if I were to be honest, I honestly need to re-wire some things in my own life. And that might mean being uncomfortable and allowing others to "go in" which, for me, SUCKS. But, this whole trying to not waste time and actually live a full life, I am fairly convinced that the only way I can accomplish that is to try to accept the challenge presented in this song.

Or maybe I'm just being a little too ridiculous about a band who wrote a song that was supposed to be catchy.

Anyway, I suppose I'm just hoping to be better, maybe let go of this memory of how I think I should be or blah blah blah.

Either way I enjoy the song, but hopefully I can get it out of my head soon :)